Apologies for being me

This is one of those posts where I have tons to say but don’t know how… this is one of those days also tt I wake up wanting to go back to sleep, drag myself to work, find out my boss is on urgent leave, and then I totally don’t feel like doing any work. Which is the reason for this rambling post…

I try, to be the one, cheerleader-confidant-advisor-lover all rolled into one. And yes, your sweet words keep me afloat, sustain me till your next return and then you proceed to humour me, to make me feel impt, cherished and treasured… Yes it works… sometimes. But only when you’re back I guess…

Not all of it is ur fault. Ur job takes a lot out of you. I know it’s tough to have a physically demanding job, work 12-hr shifts for 35 days straight with no rest in between. It must suck, not having tv to watch, not being able to chill with friends over ice cold beer, being so far away in a forsaken land, away from friends and family, in the freezing cold. And you are tired at the end of the day, and discouraged cos of the job scope and nature…

It’s difficult, knowing you’re working hard, feeling discouraged, not getting paid enough, not being able to live up to your OWN expectations, feeling tt ur job sucks, hearing u say tt u and ur colleagues agree tt u can’t stay long in the job… and I have to console u, cheer u on, tell u tt u can do it… while putting my own feelings aside, of me starting to feel unhappy in this job cos little gets done and I have little power to change things, of me feeling lonely, of me hating how my schedule revolves around urs when you’re back briefly…

You tell me I’m sweet, I’m the most important person in the world… but yet when I feel upset at night and just want to hear your comforting voice, I can’t, because it’s late, you’re already sleeping, and I don’t wanna disturb you. Because if I do, I’ll end up feeling bad, apologizing for waking you up… for ur tiredness the next day… and it becomes my fault for just wanting what I should get from my bf…