Xi'an

yes. after much stalling tj's mum and i finally made our way down to china. first a 0120 flight to beijing then transfer to Xi'an. by the time we reached the hospital (Shaanxi people's hospital) it was already 1330. what we saw there made our hearts ache so much...

the touted biggest hospital in the area is super old and dirty. lights don't work, ppl smoke everywhere, walk in and out etc. tj's in the ICU, which is unlike ours in s'pore, is a room shared w six ppl. other patients include those gg for chemo, just finished operation and those gg to die... and each patient can only have 1 family member visit for 5 minutes... so his mum went, and when she came out, the story she told me made my heart go out to him...

he was in ok spirits, but knowing him, he tends to put out an okay outward appearance rather than to burden ppl and/or make them unhappy... he hasn't bathed/washed/changed his clothes since monday (the accident) and just been thru a treacherous 6 hr ambulance ride to xi'an, where his parent's heart dropped everytime they heard the phone ring... he made it safe, vital stats are stabilising and improving... but he cannot eat, drink, move or use the phone,as such, he just lies there and watches all the dying ppl arnd him. imagine how tt will affect ur mood...

and yah, we finally got a clearer picture from the doctor. basically, his broken hip is no longer an issue, as in it wasn't disaligned tt much, so even if he didn't do anything to it, it'll be fine. but as a result of the thingie falling onto him, his internal organs were hurt... so now his spleen, liver and kidney are bleeding. they've stabilised yes, but yah, any sudden movement or rupture could cost his life. i didn't know the extent of his injuries until now... and while they did say he's improving, they can't be sure, and proceeded to tell us horror stories abt y we shdn't insist on moving him out of ICU.

so we waited and waitied to see him, since ICU is shared, they have this v strict rule, tt each patient can only have family members visit for 5 minutes, and ICU visiting hours are only from 3 - 4 pm each day. so only his mum went... and it was like so near yet so far... i already mentally prepared wat to say to him, but was turned away at the door. felt super upset, and finally broke down and cried in the car... not a good move, supposed to stay strong esp for auntie...

worried for her, she hasn't slept well in days, didn't sleep on the plane ride, drank coffee and ended up with a bad headache. then she told me tt she kept regretting encouraging him to go for this job, a sentiment i totally shared... yet she was trying to comfort me, when i can only imagine how bad she feels, coupled w the fact tt uncle's being a v kancheong spider abt the whole thing. keeps calling to get updates from us when we don't really have anything to tell him, and we pad the truth so he won't get worried

writing this from my v good room in sheraton hotel xi'an. tj's company is treating us well, taking care of our food, lodging, transfers etc. as i speak, i'm using the broadband internet connection on the project manager's spare computer (he v kindly lent it to me so we could skype) and i feel guilty, for staying in such a nice place, eating not too bad food... since we can only visit him at 3pm, we're probably gg sightseeing arnd xi'an in the morning. but honestly, i'm not in the mood to, and it only adds to the feeling of utter helplessness and uselessness tt i'm feeling right now. he's hurting, suffering, in such danger but yet i can't do anything abt it, not even hold his hand, smile and tell him everything will be all right... i just want to tell him tt he means the world to me, i need him to be patient and strong and brave for himself and for the both of us.

quite drained from the journey here which i only managed intermittent sleep. but yet not sleepy cos thinking abt alot of things... blaming myself for not telling him not to take up this job in the first place, letting him be stubborn, not being firmer on my stand to break up w him if he doesn't quit... thinking of how he'll be suffering on his b'day (19th) and christmas. while we are hopeful, i think he'll really only be relieved on the day he returns to s'pore, even if it means a long stay in s'pore's hospitals... and now, we're just all getting ready for the timetable and shifts so tt there'll always be someone here w him

i now have ownership of all his stuff... looking thru his bag i found chippy and daley... and when i saw them, i was so sad, cos i gave them to him as angels to accompany him on all his trips away from me and now he doesn't have them...

selfish me, before the accident i kept hinting tt i want a v nice xmas present... now all i want is for him to make a speedy recovery.

guilt, frustration, worry, anxiety, sadness, heartache...