... ...

words elude me...

have this weird knot in my stomach tt refuses to go away. it's late but i'm not switching off the lights to go sleep yet, cos i'm afraid of the tears that will come... it's already welling up somewhere, threatening...

how shd i put it? i'm happy he's back, but yet... it's just... i dunno how to put it. i know he tries and i know how he feels towards me. but i also know tt this will be a long road of being by myself, of being strong, of not being to share alot of things with him. and this might be very far ahead, but i also dun want my kids to grow up wishing their daddy could spend more time with them...

maybe i shd just get used to it... i know it's hard. was talking to my trainee oil trader friend, who was still at work at 10pm on a friday. he stays in late very frequently and while he's gg to work or gg back he still takes readings home... and i ask him wat his gf feels abt all this... and he says she's v unhappy abt it. but then he loves his job and he feels tt he can be good at it, and therein lies the dilemma. and it sounds oh so familiar, because i'm at the receiving end, and i know it's hard. but it's also hard to have to wait, to put my life on hold because i really dunno where u'll be next mth, or whether u'll be spending my b'day w me... and tt sucks, ALOT

saying this here cos i dunno where else to. and probably i'll be feeling better tm. but yeah, maybe this is life and i shd just get used to it... don't feel bad abt this, i'm not trying to make u feel bad. i support u in ur career aspirations, i really do... and i'm trying too...